In the areas of sex, desire, and longing I noted that I wasn’t lying to my husband Hank, but I also was not forging ahead boldly to speak my truth. Around this time my good friend Rose asked me if I wanted to meet weekly with her to support each other’s emotional and spiritual growth. She was a very thoughtful, insightful woman who was also a therapist. She had a narcissistic boyfriend she couldn’t seem to get free of; even though she could see he was draining her and affecting her health negatively. I was struggling with my constant thinking about O.
O was my Pilates client for eight months; we became close friends while working together, but ended the friendship when both our spouses became uncomfortable. I had diagnosed myself as addicted to O. I wanted to stop longing for him.
Each week Rose and I sat together and spend ninety minutes processing our ‘stuff”. We split the time into two forty five minute sessions, one for her, one for me. Our only rules were:
Tell the truth
Enter the space with curiosity and compassion
Don’t give advice to the other person, ask questions
After six months I vividly remember the moment I came face to face with what had become a dead end space in my marriage. I realized that Hank and I simply were not that compatible sexually. I wanted sex daily as a spiritual meditation, an expression of our love and a commitment to giving ourselves and each other pleasure. I felt passionate about creating moments of ecstatic bliss to contrast the ongoing mundane nature of life.
Hank had a passing interest in our Tantric practice and daily devotion. He felt overwhelmed by work and parenting. He needed more time to retreat and be alone; this was the way he built back his reserves.
I could see that no one was the bad guy, we were both stuck and not getting what we needed. Moreover I knew that if I didn’t change my circumstance I would consistently be tempted to have an affair. This was a life changing, even devastating information. I knew that an affair was absolutely not an option; it would involve hiding huge parts of myself from Hank.
I couldn’t imagine talking to Hank about having sex with someone else. I also couldn’t fathom getting a divorce. Our life was wonderful, we were great parents together, and he was my best friend, my confidant, my rock, most of our relationship worked. How could I lose my connection to Hank? I was stumped. I presented my problem to the Universe and held on for guidance. For many months I stayed in neutral, doing nothing about the issue but mediating and praying.