I am really happy that a woman writer wrote a sexy book—and that throngs of women are raucously declaring their libido at the movies. I am happy and yet—I have to say it—as a sex positive feminist I feel let down by this failed attempt at great erotica. “Fifty Shades of Grey” is the Marquis De Sade meets Walt Disney Fairytale. Neither of which really do it for me in the bedroom. Walt Disney makes sexist goo- and the Marquis De Sade—is a bit of a misogynist grumpus. But don’t get me wrong, kink with someone you have great communication, consensual agreement and maybe even deep love– can be fantastic.

If any of my friends were dating Christian from “50 Shades of Grey” I’d tell them– he’s loser. A rich loser yes—but nonetheless an emotional cripple. He stalks Anastacia, and introduces her to BDSM not in a straight forward friendly kind of way but in a coercive ghoulish way.

He’s creepy. He’s that guy who needs a personality over haul, too controlling, too domineering—out of bed. You want to dominate me in bed? Be my guest in bed. You want to drive—here are the keys to my clitoris. But don’t pull that manipulative crap out of bed.

Sure, he buys Anastacia a new car and a bunch of other cache—I hate to sound like a feminist nag but if you are in your twenties—get a great job and buy yourself the car. Then drive your sparkly car to your lover’s house, have a conversation between two equals, make clear consensual agreements about what you are willing to explore and what your limits are, pick a safe word—then once you step over the threshold into the bedroom have at it! Let yourself be the horny animals you are—with your safe word in place and the understanding that you will stop if either of you gets triggered or upset. There must be a mutual understanding that you are both equals and as equals out (and in) the bedroom you can freely explore forbidden power roles.

Let’s review this dichotomy because this is a crucial distinction that can be confusing to some people. I’ll never forget an Oprah interview I saw way back when—Ivana Trump stated in an uncontained giggle that “The Donald” was a complete chauvinist. Believe me she wasn’t laughing when he literally screwed her over a few years later. Sexist billionaires never seem to go out of style but ladies take it from me–find a nice guy to screw.

Sex is how adults play—but the best sex is with someone who has a sophisticated mind. Sex can involve acting out roles that if you asked me to act out at work– I’d slap you with a sexual harassment suit. I love it when my husband acts like a big ole piggy in the bedroom—a real throwback to the pork of Mad Men days. Sometimes when we are acting out some absurdly sexy and sexist scene—we break up laughing—it’s fun to explore these taboos. But it’s called acting. At any time I can stop the action. And if my husband pulled the same scene in the kitchen or at the bank—“Me Tarzan, you Jane” kind of a scene—it would not fly. In fact, it’d go something like this– “You Tarzan? Me dialing divorce lawyer.”

What is hot in the bedroom is usually really boorish in the kitchen. I want a sophisticated man—who can master both worlds.  Be a masculine man at the bank and in the boardroom but don’t be a jerk. If you behave like Christian in “50 Shades of Grey” I am gonna swat your arrogant behind and tell you to get lost. I know this requires finesse, but it really isn’t that hard to grasp. Kink brings up many illicit feelings—and that’s why it’s hot, but do it with someone you trust and not a creepy 2015 version of the Marquis De Sade.