The Polyamorous Guidelines for Monogamous People: Tip 3 Have the Same values

Tuesday, September 16th, 2014

This is something I’ve been talking about in my videos and now I have the research to back up my point. According to David Popenoe, Ph.D., from The National Marriage Project, Rutgers University

“People who are similar in their values, backgrounds and life goals are more likely to have a successful marriage. Opposites may attract but they may not live together harmoniously as married couples. People who share common backgrounds and similar social networks are better suited as marriage partners than people who are very different in their backgrounds and networks.”

But let’s say you are already married and discovering that you may have some conflicting values? This is where poly people’s proclivity to talking and talking and then discussing it some more is advantageous. Keep talking– but more importantly keep listening—to find out why your partners values are important to him or her. This may inspire both of you to honor or even adopt each others values. A word of warning, if your partners values cause you tremendous pain, notice this. Some relationships are abusive and if that is the case, don’t adopt values that hurt you.

For the next tip in my polyamorous guidelines, find out a potential partners values before getting into a relationship. Ask questions like “If you had six months to live what would you want to accomplish?” But more to the point watch their actions which will reveal their values. Where do they invest their time and energy?

When you are in an open marriage, having the same values and life goals can make it a smoother ride. If you have the same vision and values in your marriage, it is less likely that things will suddenly go awry. Take time to sit and talk about your values with your spouse, make a mission statement together for your marriage and family. This is a powerful way to stay connected and aligned.

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