I am doing a bit of follow up on my blog & video, “True confessions: What it really feels like to cash in the Golden Ticket.” Several people reached out to me, extremely concerned about my feelings and treating the golden ticket episode as if it had been a cheating episode. My husband had cheated on me by using the golden ticket. When we consciously make agreements in which we can be sexual with other people, it is not the same thing as cheating. This sounds like the simple “A-B-C’s” of poly but I think we are so deeply hardwired by our cultural upbringings to see all multiple partner scenarios as having a victim and some mean pig hurting the victim. I don’t want to get into the graphic specifics of my agreements with my husband—but we have very specific agreements that have to do with the extent and parameters of what can happen physically and emotionally. Now I know what you are going to say—“you can’t control what happens emotionally,” and I would agree, but there are scenarios that limit one’s ability to create depth in a connection with someone. Also, my husband and I want the same thing out of our experiences, we both want to keep our focus primarily in our marriage. This feels safer to me than if I felt my partner was needing to get something outside of our marriage, that I was not able to give.
Also, I had a golden ticket I cashed in about two months ago-and my husband had his turn feeling threatened. As I am writing this what occurs to me is that I sound like my whole life is about hook ups and golden tickets. I want to assure you about how mundane, predictable—even boring my life is. At any moment if Martians landed in my kitchen they would find me making macaroni and cheese for my four kids. That’s what it looks like– 95% of the time. When I go on these fun little sexcapades it is a peripheral and fun adventure, that’s the way we have set it up. Some poly people set it up very differently—my poly experiences are more like a fun golf game with another one or two people every few months—satisfying, another great ingredient to my life, but my golf game doesn’t disrupt my life. I want emotional fidelity and at the same time– the occasional sexual adventure with someone besides my husband. I have found that to be possible and exciting in my current marriage.